Select Page

10 Things I’ve Never Told My Wife (Updated)

Me and My WifeUpdated 12/18/2015.  I first wrote this in 2013, today I update the numbers but not the content.

I want to focus my mind and heart today.

I want to focus them on my wife.

In fact, I like to think about her every day.

But today, today is special.

  • Not because of any specific date on the calendar.
  • Not because it’s an anniversary of anything.
  • Not because society says it’s special.

Today is special like yesterday, because today…I’m married to my best friend.

I want to think about and write down some things I love about her…things I’ve never told her.

  • I like to say silly things to make her raise her eyes to the sky and smile just so…I love her smile.
  • I love the way she rushes out of bed at the first sound of one of our kids. She’s been doing this for 5 years. She wants me to sleep so I can wake up at 5 AM and chase our dreams. I love that she sacrifices her sleep for our family.
  • I love watching her talk to others about our kids and parenting. She doesn’t know this, but she can’t do it without smiling. Have I mentioned that I love her smile?
  • I love when she puts her feet on my lap while we are watching TV and asks me to rub them.
  • I love how she talks about Jesus to our kids.
  • I love when she whispers at night just as we climb into bed, “Will you pray?”
  • I love how she sits at the kitchen table with her Bible and journal and studies God’s words.
  • I love how she experiments with recipes and tries new things for us to eat.
  • I love that her dreams are bigger than mine. I love that we chase them together.
  • I love how she cares and talks about our friends everyday.

 

Marissa, I love you.

 

Action Steps

  1. Start a list like I did above of things you love about your spouse.  Next time you are angry with them; get the list out and start reading through all the reasons you love them.  You’ll be amazed at how this will help you.
  2. Brag about your spouse today to someone.
  3. Leave a new note everyday in the same place telling your spouse one thing you love about them or the two of you together.
  4. Plan a “tell all” date. Take your spouse out on a date and tell him/her all the things you haven’t yet.
  5. Write a letter, email, note, text message, blog post, Facebook post, Tweet…whatever…but just write something right now to your spouse. SERIOUSLY, STOP READING AND WRITE SOMETHING RIGHT NOW. Come on, write just one sentence. WHY ARE YOU STILL READING?
  6. Call your spouse right now and tell them you love them.

 

PLEASE SHARE:

Creating Family Core Values (Why and How)

Just like an organizations or companies core values, having core values as a family has several benefits.  But how do you write a set of family core values?  And, once you do have your core values for your family; what do you do with them?

My wife, Marissa and I decided to write a set of core values for our family.  We knew that the benefits would include at least:

  1. Providing us a tool to be on the same page in parenting decisions.
  2. Help us establish a more clear picture of where we want our family to head for the future.
  3. Help each of us make parenting decisions the other would make when we can’t talk a decision over.
  4. Give our kids the road map.
  5. Set our kids up with an easy to remember filtering system to have in making decisions as they get older.

So we set out to create the Dingler Family Core Values.

Family Core Values

The Dingler Family Core Values

The Process We Used

 

We talk about the core values for several weeks. Each of us spent time thinking and praying about what we should include.  We read other blogs posts, listened to some specific podcasts (okay, so that might have been just me) and talk with friends.

We made plans for a babysitter to watch the kids during and after a speaking engagement at the Parenting Expo in Pittsburgh early in 2014.

After we got off stage, we went to one of our favorite restaurants; Smokey Bones.

We got a table in the back corner and got to talking and writing.

After a few hours we settled on 7 core values.

We left and gave the core values a couple weeks to marinate.

One afternoon on a long drive, we decided to keep the 7 we had.  We wanted some easy way to remember them.  As we talked about several options, I realized that our last name happens to have 7 letters.  Once we started to assign each core value to one of the letters of our last name; we were shocked how fast and easy it happened.  (Almost freaky easy between you and me.)

Marissa found a store on Etsy and had our core values turned into the wall hanging you see pictured here.

Advice For You To Create Your Family Core Values

 

  • Give it time.
  • Pray about it.
  • Give it time.
  • Pray about it.
  • Talk about it.
  • Give it time.

How To Keep These From Just Being Art

 

Our next challenge is to make sure these don’t simply become wall art.  We strategically hung our core values beside our kitchen table.  We do (and will always) eat dinner together as a family.  Having these right there will guide our conversations as our kids get older and we speak truth into their decisions.

Starting next week I’m going to focus on one core value per week.  I plan to study each of our core values one at a time, one week at a time, forever.  I will look for different supporting Bible passages. (I will assigned each core value a color highlight and I’m highlighting corresponding scriptures in the appropriate color or two or three etc)  Is this a commitment of time.  Yes.  But, it’s just one small way I’ll ensure I’m being the Leader for my family that God has called me to be.

Finally, we have to talk to our kids about these core values all the time.  Marissa and I realize that our kids are going to roll their eyes every time we quote one of these core values. And I’m okay with that.  Because when the darkness comes, they’ll be equipped with the light of truth to scare away the monsters in the world.

Care To Share

 

What about you?  What’s the first core value you plan to recommend to your spouse for your family?

 

If you have any questions email me directly.

 

 

Anger In Marriage (And How To Eliminate It…the anger, not the marriage.)


Goals and desires are found in all areas of our lives, including marriage. Knowing the difference between a goal and desire, and creating action steps for your goals, will eliminate the anger from your life.  Plus, you will also increase the influence you have to see your desires come true.

 

How Can This Help My Marriage?

 

Well, like we say all the time, this will not help your relationship with your spouse at all if all you do is read it. But if you read it and take some action steps to apply it, THEN you can see growth in your marriage in the following ways:

 

  • Eliminate  the anger in your marriage.
  • Learn the difference between a goal and desire.
  • Understand that you need goals for your relationships.
  • Understand that you can leverage the influence you have with others to increase the likelihood of your desires coming true.

 

Deal with the anger in your marriage (and life)

 

The Big Point

 

In your marriage you have “wants” and that’s totally fine, we aren’t going to tell you to stop wanting things. There are 2 different types of “wants” in the world.

  1. Goals: predetermined outcomes you want that only rely on you (and God) to complete and make choices in.
  2. Desires: these outcomes rely on the choices and actions of you and/or other people.

Here’s an example:

Let’s say you want to have dinner every night as a family.  This is a desire.  Everyone in the family needs to make a choice to be at dinner every night.  If you set this as a goal for your family; you are going to get angry sooner or later.  Your spouse is going to miss because of work one night.  Or, older kids  will need to miss a night for any number of reasons.

Instead, label that want for what it is.  A desire.  You desire for everyone in your family to eat dinner together every night.  Now, you have to answer the question; what can you…AND ONLY YOU….do to try and get this to happen?

  1. You can make sure that everyone knows what time dinner is.
  2. You can make sure that dinner is always ready on time and at the same time every night.
  3. You can have a weekly / monthly meeting with the family to look at everyones calendar to see if an evening is coming up that someone can’t make it.  Maybe you can adjust the time or location of dinner.  Or, maybe for that one night…not everyone is there.

 

You saw in the video one example of when we use to deal with anger in our marriage.  Eric had a goal, something that only relied on his input.  I, Marissa, had a desire.  Something that relied on Eric to make a decision that aligned with my desired outcome. Eric didn’t get angry, I did.

This is what I would do in this situation now.

  1. Realize that I have a desire for the family to have some time together outside because of a break in the weather.
  2. As soon as Eric says; “I think I’m going to put the bike trailer together this afternoon.”  I would say; “great.  I’d like for us to cook dinner on the campfire and hangout in the backyard since the weather is nice.  What time do you think you’ll be finished with the bike trailer by?”

Bam; Eric get’s to accomplish his goal to assemble the bike trailer.  I get my desire to have a family fun evening.  OR, Eric could say…”geez my beautiful, smart, funny wife. I was thinking I might clean the garage since it’s nice…and I might wash the cars.”  At least then, I’d be able to have a clear expectation for the evening; or I could continue having a conversation encouraging Eric to clean the car and garage the next nice day of spring.

 

Anger comes when you have a blocked goal, you aren’t getting something you WANT.

 

When You Start To Feel Yourself Getting Angry

 

When you get upset the first thing you need to ask yourself is “What do I want that is being blocked?”  Then you need to test and see whether that “want” is a desire or a goal.

 

If you decide that what’s being blocked is a goal (something that relies only on your decisions and actions), you then need to look at the action steps you are taking (or not taking) and make adjustments.

 

If your “want” that’s being blocked in a desire (something that relies the input of others) you need to change your mindset.  You have mistaken a desire for a goal.  This happens A LOT in marriages so don’t be surprised when you see it in yours. What you need to do the is:

  • Communicate your desires to your spouse.
  • Make small goals to increase the likelihood of the desire coming true.
  • Complete those goals.
  • Understand that you may still be disappointed if the desire goes unfulfilled, but you will tend to not get angry about it.

 

If I, Marissa, would have understood this concept that nice spring day, I wouldn’t have gotten angry with Eric.  I never told him my desires, I didn’t take any actions steps to increase the chances of having an outdoor family evening.   I was both angry and disappointed that night.

 

 

Spiritual Foundations

 

When thinking about goals and desires and the differences between them, God is a “go-to” example of this. God, in His almighty power, created man and in the beginning He gave Adam and Eve a choice. They could follow His plan and stay in His presence, or follow their own way. Well, we know what they chose.

 

God has a desire for us to follow him.  It’s not His goal however.  Adam and Eve (and even us today) have a decision to make in regards to following or not following God.

 

God COULD have taken free will out of the picture. And if that was the case, God would have had a goal for Adam and Eve to follow Him.  There would have been no opportunity for Adam and Eve (or us today) to have an impact on the relationship.. But God understood that even though it’s risky to have desires, it mean’s more when we choose to participate.

 

When God sent Jesus, He was going one step further.  He was taking an action step in His desire for a relationship with us. He knew that He wasn’t going to MAKE us love and follow Him, but He could take steps in increase the influence He has on the desire.

 

You see, here’s the point: Goals will decrease the anger in your life, and that’s GREAT and we 100% encourage you to make goals. But we are made in God’s image, and if God in His perfection has desires then you better bet your bottom dollar that we will too! The key is to understand that even thought it might not come true (not everyone will accept God and follow Him) we can take steps to show our love and our longing to influence the choice of another (just like God sending Jesus).

 

Recommended Products for this Meaningful Marriage Article

 

We think that the book; Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts by Les and Leslie Parrot is a must read for anyone engaged or married.  (affiliate link)

What Makes a Date a Date for Married Couples

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V9MLycnI9hA

Okay, so this post is primarily for guys…but I’d love to have you wives keep reading and toss in your thoughts in the comments.

There are thousands of ideas on the internet for what to do for a date with your spouse.

Making Date Night Count for Married Couples

Image courtesy of imagerymajestic at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

And, most couples who want their marriage’s to thrive will agree dating their spouse is important.

But, what makes a date a date. (Again, I have to be honest and say that as a guy…we tend to need the most help with this.)

So, guys…here are some ideas that are NOT dates:

  • Having your wife join you and your buddies while you watch (and yell) at the Football game on TV. Even if she loves Football…and yelling at the TV.
  • Having your wife join you while you take a client out to dinner, even if it is your wife’s favorite restaurant.
  • Thanksgiving dinner at your folks house.
  • Sitting on the couch at night watching reruns of M.A.S.H. while rubbing her feet. (Even though this is nice of you.)
  • Having your wife help you change the oil in the car….even if she loves doing it. (Exception; you go to a place that changes the oil for you, and make out in the car while the mechanic is working on your car. Actually, this is kind of creepy. Let’s pretend I never wrote that.)
  • Taking your wife out on the lake all day fishing. Again, even if she loves fishing. And, even if she says, “I’m happy if I get to just spend time with you.”

There are four components that make a date a real date and not just a “kind of” date.

THE IDEA:

4 Components of a Date

TIPS AND SUGGESTION

  1. Deliberate. You plan a time and protect that time. You don’t let things get in the way of other important things on your calendar. Things like doctors appointments, taking the dog to the vet, getting the car serviced, Christmas, etc. So protect your agreed upon date time. (Extra point just for husbands…wives, you can stop reading this. Guys, your wife has every right to be upset if you bail on her because you forgot or something else comes up. If you had tickets to the biggest event of your favorite sport, like the Super Bowl, you wouldn’t let something come up. Seriously, work and your boss aren’t more important that your wife.)
  2. Affectionate. Hold hands, walk arm in arm or kiss at a red light until someone honks their horn. What ever your comfort level is regarding public displays of affection…as long as it won’t make others uncomfortable, have at it. Walking around Lowes looking at new kitchen faucets isn’t a date. Walking around Home Depot holding hands dreaming about what your next house will have in it together…that could be a date.
  3. Two People. Come on now, taking your elderly mom out to eat to get her out of the nursing home for Sunday afternoon; does not constitute a date…even if you are holding hands; with your wife—not your mom. Now, volunteering together to serve food at a soup kitchen as part of a date totally counts. There is a fine line between the two. Most of the time the line falls on either side of obligation. If I’m required to attend a social event for work, I don’t count that as a date. Heck, I struggle counting it a date if you go to someone’s wedding. You can get away with calling these things a date…but, let’s try to do better. I’m also not counting a double date. That’s hanging out with friends.
  4. Exciting. Regardless of your definition of excitement. Maybe ballroom dance lessons is up your ally. You could prefer race car driving lessons. Miniature golf or gold prospecting. What do the two of you like to do as a couple. And from time to time, what are you willing to experience for your spouse. Does your wife want to take a cooking class together and you’d rather pull your bottom lip down until it touches your Adam’s Apple? Well buckaroo, you need to go to at least one cooking class. Does your husband want you to go fishing and you’d rather go through natural childbirth without pain meds? Well little miss, you’re going to need to get worm guts on your hands. Now, balance here is the key. 80% to 90% of your dates should be mutually exciting…but it’s okay if 1 or 2 out of 10 are solely for each other to experience something…at least once…that the other person get’s excited about.

ACTION YOU CAN TAKE RIGHT NOW:

  • Get instant access to my eBook full of tips and ideas to make dating your spouse happen by clicking here.
  • Pin this so you can come back to it and share it with others if you found it helpful.
  • Ask your spouse…what is something you want to do, that I probable don’t?
  • Arrange a babysitter and surprise your spouse with a date.
  • Text your spouse right now… “I’m thinking about you, and I like what I’m thinking about.”

RELATED POST FROM MY BLOG:

LET’S TALK:

Question: What does a date need to include for you to consider it a “real” date.? What’s been your best date since getting married?

Did you enjoy, grow or learn from this? Please consider helping others by sharing, commenting and subscribing.

SHARE THIS POST:

10 Tips To Keep The Kids From Wrecking Your Marriage

One day our kids will move out of our homes…at least that’s the plan, right?

Protect Your Marriage From Your Kids

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The day after our kids move out, will we look at our spouse and wonder who this stranger is in our home?

According to a white paper, The Grey Divorce Revolution, from research done at Bowling Green State University in Ohio, the diverse rate for couples over the age of 50 doubled from 1990 to 2010. 1 in 4 married couples are now getting divorced after the age of 50.

For many couples, the focus and, dare I say…”distraction“…of raising kids keeps them from dealing with the little issues that come up in any relationship. So, by the time the kids leave the house…mom and dad are strangers to one another.

People change over time. Couples who don’t change with each other, change apart from each other. Tweet That

Proactive parenting leads to meaningful marriages that last. By being proactive in your parenting as a couple you are being proactive in your marriage. Growing a family that last takes work and intentional effort. In other words, great families happen by design.

THE IDEA:

Don’t Let An Empty Nest Become A Nest With Unrest

TIPS AND SUGGESTIONS:

 

  1. Don’t focus on the kids more than the marriage. Parenting shouldn’t be looked at as something you only do for a season and when it’s over then you’ll have time to work on your marriage. You might hate this statement, but my wife comes before my kids.
  2. Focus on goals in raising kids verses desires. Anger is the result of blocked goals. Set smart goals to avoid being angry. Check out this previous blog post about Goals Vs Desires.
  3. Have a parenting meeting with your spouse on a regular basis. Marissa and I are just starting this. We have coffee one morning every week before the kids are up. During this time we are intentional to talk only about our kids and our parenting only.
  4. Be on the same page with every parenting decision. And, I mean every single decision…probably not in detail…but in theory. Let me explain real quick. My wife, Marissa, doesn’t consult me about what to give the kids for lunch or dinner. However, we have still agreed on the type of food our kids will eat. We’ve talked about and agreed on what they won’t eat, how much they should eat, when we introduce new foods, etc. We’ve agreed to never use food as a punishment. We’ve agreed to never cook separate food for dinner for the kids while we eat something “healthy” just because they would prefer processed food. We work to agree on the theory behind our parenting decisions so we are making decisions in the absence of each other that is consistent. We do this for the sake of our kids, and so we don’t get into fights over conflicting decisions.
  5. Date your spouse.
  6. Do lots of things together as a family.
  7. Help your kids say no to every opportunity to experience something new. We have to be careful that we don’t raise our children to be experience rich yet relationally pour.
  8. Vacation with and without the kids.
  9. Send the kids to a week of summer camp at the same time and do something special as a couple during that week.
  10. Do something together every evening after the kids go to bed. Pray, watch a TV show, do a devotional, play a board or video game, etc. Just do something together.

ACTION YOU CAN TAKE RIGHT NOW:

  • Schedule a date night.  If you want some help making this happen; check out my free eBook about dating your spouse.
  • Start having a weekly parenting conversation. You can download a Proactive Parenting Conversation Agenda Here
  • Identify a married couple that are empty-nesters and their marriage is still thriving. Ask them to mentor you and your spouse. Get together once a month with them and talk about parenting and marriage.
  • Plan something fun to do together as a family in the next two weeks.

RELATED POST FROM MY BLOG:

LET’S TALK:

Question: How do you and your spouse keep your relationship a priority? What’s the most important lesson you’ve learned from another couple further along in life than you are?  Give a shout out to a couple that has mentored you and you appreciate.

Did you enjoy, grow or learn from this? Please consider helping others by sharing, commenting or subscribing.

 

SHARE THIS POST:

Pin It on Pinterest