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Not one married person with a healthy psychology wants to be angry at their spouse or have their spouse angry with them.

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at

But it happens all the time.  Just look at divorce statistics or listen to the Dave Ramsey Radio show or other talk shows that take live callers.  Daytime TV talk shows also spotlight anger in marriage pretty often.

How does anger seep into a marriage and destroy it?

The answer is very simple.

Anger is the symptom of a blocked goal.  

Anger is a symptom not the problem.  Trying to address the anger, will only give you a bandaid.  You can use the anger to discover the real problem to address.

  • One spouse has a goal to save money and the other keeps spending it.
  • One spouse has a goal to have a clean and presentable house and the other spouse drops their (his) socks all over the place.
  • One spouse wants soft butter and likes it out on the counter.  The other spouse thinks it will go bad on the counter and wants it in the fridge so it last longer.
  • One spouse has a goal provide for the family comfort by working hard to provide a “nice” house, lots of toys, great vacations, etc..  The other spouse wants quality family time together regularly over having the newest iPhone or a nice boat.
  • One spouse has a goal to be a couple that dates.  The other thinks it’s a stupid idea.
  • And on and on the list goes.


Don’t Be Angry, Have Clear Goals  


So how do we fix this?  How do we build a Force Field around our marriages to protect them from anger?

  • Understand the difference between goals and desires.

A goal that requires the action of someone isn’t a goal, it’s a desire.  If you have a goal for your family to spend time together, you are going to get angry when your spouse decides to do something else.  Your bad goal has been blocked.

  • Communicate, communicate, communicate.

Do you and your spouse have shared goals and desires?  Have you talked about them since pre-marrige counseling?  You need to talk about your goals and desires all the time.  We change with time, so do our desires which means we need to adjust our goals.

  • Be submissive.

One of your desires should be for your spouse to be happy.  This can’t be a goal, because you can’t make someone feel happy.  However, you can put their preferences and desires before your own.  You can let them pick the movie or restaurant.  You can have a goal to not complain or roll your eyes when your spouse suggest doing something you don’t want to do.


  • Read the post by Jackie Bledsoe on developing a marriage plan.
  • Get instant access to 6 fun and unique date ideas. (Hint: 4 of them can be done for less then $20) Click Here
  • Write down your goals and desires.  Decide which is a goal and which is really a desire.  Share that list with your spouse.
  • Check out the book The Five Love Languages.




Question:  What’s a blocked goal that was causing tension and anger in your marriage?  What other ares in life do you see this principle applying to?  What’s your favorite marriage book?

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